peace bringer.

i didn’t specifically pray for a fruit of the spirit this month

(but i think God is showing them to me anyway)

this month i believe He is showing me His peace

i would say the times i have truly felt a sense of peace

in my life, i can count on one hand

the rest of the time it is a raging storm inside

of anxiety and fear and anger and bitterness

and the thoughts swirl around and never stop

and i just want to hit my head on the wall

until it

s t o p s .

(but it never does).

we had the opportunity to visit a small church in lavalle, mendoza,

we were the first missionaries to ever be received there

it was amazing.

 we were met with such love and hospitality

from every single person we encountered

they showed us the love of Christ in all their actions

and their passion for the community they serve was inspiring

for the first time, i felt like i was actually a missionary

showing up a stranger and being taken in

as one of their own

in just two days the community felt like family

we had the opportunity to lead a youth group service,

put on a skit, give testimonies, a message, play games,

help sand one of the church rooms, community outreach,

we chose the prodigal son as our theme

reminding people that though earthly fathers

may be broken, our Heavenly father is perfect

and there is nothing you can do to make Him love you less

you can always return and He will be there with open arms

we did house visits where we had the privilege to listen

to women of the community confide in us their stories

some encouraging & some h e a r t b r e a k i n g

 at the end of the weekend the church told us they felt renewed

and i think we all felt a sense

of r e v i v a l .

the night before we left, the youth pastor pulled me over

to our translator and friend, vanessa.

he & i had said all of two words to one another the entire weekend,

he would say “jackie!” and i would reply, “oscar!”

we would smile – but that’s it.

through the translator he told me that though

we hadn’t spoken much, he wanted me to know

that i had a presence of peace i brought with me

and that the peace in me transmitted into him

and he was grateful because he hadn’t felt peace

in a very long time.

the girl who feels like she’s just keeping her head above water,

always in the middle of a raging storm…

brought peace?

i was overwhelmed and deeply touched,

though i know the peace did not come from me

but from God

but it raised a question:

what is p e a c e?

i’ve had a few people tell me that i bring a “zen” presence

that even when i am taking on a lot, i don’t externalize it

that i look calm and am difficult to read

no one knows about the storm.

my squadmate carolyn said that God cloaked me in peace

a cloak doesn’t affect how you feel inside –

which is why i don’t feel peace

but it can affect everyone around you

(but maybe if i keep walking in it

it will start to soak in)

interestingly enough, the church we stayed with

had a big sign in the middle of the room

that said:

in the last two months i have had many

identity issues: who am i? why am i here? what can i do?

if i don’t belong here and i don’t belong at home

where am i supposed to go?

at the end of this month we took the time

to ask God:

who does HE say I am?

He said:

peace bringer.

i am beginning to wonder if peace isn’t

the absence of the storm –

( i am the flower in the barrel of your g u n ).

micah 5:5 – and He shall be our peace.

(thank you meg, for painting this for me! art credit for above goes to meg arahill).