look at all the lonely people,

loneliness [noun]: standing apart, i s o l a t e d

exhibit A:

sitting in a dark stairwell in eastern europe

staring out the window, dull orange glow of city lights

tear stricken, sobbing on the floor, and blowing

your nose into your dress because there’s no way you’re

going back inside for a tissue looking like this

(it’s a funny thing to realize you have no one).

but it isn’t so much of a place as state of:

no geographical guidelines, it isn’t

defined by degrees of longitude & latitude

because the weight of loneliness cannot be

c o n f i n e d :

that’s where i started this month.

asking -how do i always end up here?

a l o n e .

(last month God stopped speaking to me

the way He usually does – instead,

He only used other people

and i thought it was because He was teaching me

that there isn’t one way to hear Him – His voice

is e v e r y w h e r e,)

and that’s true,

but –

He is also teaching me that if you don’t

want to be lonely, you have to choose people.

and that’s not easy because,

people are hard

( i am h a r d )

we’re more trouble than we’re worth,

people are always pushing & pulling:

every action accompanied by a reaction of equal

force but opposite direction: c o l l i s i o n

(of you + i )

– i push people away,

i always have –

sometimes it’s just better to go at it alone

it’s too messy to let other people in and it hurts

and then i’d have to put effort into their mess

and you know, the thing is, i all ready have my o w n

…

but in those dark stairwells,

when you feel alone

and unloved

you wonder…

i asked God, in that moment, alone on the stairwell

why He brought me no comfort, why i was alone,

and He gave me this verse:

2 chronicles 32:25 “but hezekiah’s heart was proud

and he did not respond to the kindness shown him,”

a proud heart does not respond to kindness

(a proud heart cannot receive kindness )

because that’s it, isn’t it? we’re too proud to ask for help

and we’re too proud to let them see us cry or admit

when we’re weak and when we’ve pushed them a w a y

one too many times how can we possibly reach out now?

we keep ourselves in the cave. too far in with our

face in a jar by the door, we can’t find our way out –

that day, i decided to humble myself

to reach out to my team, to choose my people, and then –

everything

fell

apart.

and when things fall apart

(they always fall apart)

usually… i walk away.

i can just walk away. it’s not worth it,

it’s too much work, it’s too hard, and it

hurts too much – people suck. we all suck.

why do we bother anyway?

but this time i had to choose.

God asked me to choose.

to choose people.

even when i’m angry, when they’re angry,

when i hurt them, and they hurt me

when you don’t know how to walk forward

or if you even want to

(there are other fish in the sea and aren’t we

fishers of men now?)

He asked me to be the olive branch –

to be the one to reach out first – and extend a hand

across the d i v i d e … to put myself out over

the c a n y o n and hope that with a humble heart

someone might respond

to let people in and be let in

&i don’t know how.

(but God does).

the animals, they go two by two for a reason

and when i reached out, i found that i didn’t lose

a hand, i gained one.

sometimes you have to walk out of the cave.

heart

open

wide.

 //there will come a time you’ll see

love will not break your heart but

dismiss your fears

heart on your sleeve & maybe it’s more e x p o s e d

but it’s also a lot easier to find –

 (it’s a funny thing to realize you have a choice).

and i’m choosing people.