hindsight 20/20,
i’ve spent most of my life being
miserable in the every day, yet
somehow looking back
with fond memories –
and this month i’ve had to wonder
how this is possible?
i spent the majority of this month
struggling through each & every day
feeling like i wouldn’t make it, missing
things right in front of me –
each morning taking time to surrender
everything: i.e. everything i feel
entitled to: time, sleep, space, showers, food –
the things that just, when i think about it,
i’m so focused on but really
aren’t that important
one morning, three days ago,
i took a different approach.
i surrendered everything, but knew
it would be a hard day. two of our more
extroverted personalities and stronger teachers were
s i c k – and the rest of the team was d o w n.
so i asked God
to strengthen me with His joy
and let me see it e v e r y w h e r e
He doesn’t always answer this prayer
but that day, He did.
and i’ve been missing out.
the last three days i have felt
lighter in spirit, than i have in a long time.
a weight, lifted, a veil, lifted:
each grubby little child’s hand in mine,
and for the first time i noticed
the way they smiled as we walked
down the road
and i smiled too.
laughing easily –
casually talking with my teammates,
soaking in the words and the thoughts and –
every shade of green in the leaves and the grass
the red dirt roads winding through,
the way the birds fluttered
and flowers unfold.
things didn’t go perfectly,
but it felt okay
it felt like i was content with
the people i was with, the tasks i was given
content with what was before me: what i had
not what i lacked.
i can feel heaviness across my shoulders
returning, a heavy winter coat but i –
don’t want it.
i realized how much i had been missing out on this month
and why couldn’t i see it before?
i missed out on enjoying the every day
blessings and joy this whole month because
i was so focused on my comfort and the things
i didn’t have and thought i needed
everything i needed was right there
in front of me
the whole time
the journey of looking for joy
has been a life long struggle for me
it’s even been one i started searching for
back in month 1, in chile
and here i am again, faced with this.
and it’s really dawning on me that i don’t
want to only find joy
in hindsight
(hindsight is always 20/20
but – )
i want to feel it, know it, experience it
while i’m living it.
i don’t want it to be a memory.
i want it to be a reality.
and i don’t know how to do this.
i’ve never known how to do it
(or God wouldn’t still be showing
me all of this -)
but i know it’s something i want to fight for.
i want to choose joy.
i want to desire what i have
be content with what’s in front of me
joy [noun] // a feeling of great pleasure or happiness
– do not grieve… the j o y of the Lord is my strength – nehemiah 8:10
sometimes the smallest things take up the most room
in your h e a rt – winnie the pooh.