covid-19

i thought i wanted to write a blog about covid-19.
condense some information, sift through the media
and news articles and try to put together some
kind of truth about transmission, R0, mortality –

i thought i wanted to write a blog about covid-19.
look at the origins in china and how different
countries have handled it – what’s worked, what hasn’t,
look at the issue through the lens of human security,
(and lack of human rights – )

i thought i wanted to write about covid-19.
but actually, i want to write about God,
i want to write about us

all that other information, it’s out there –
not only is it out there, it’s everywhere

and it’s exhausting.

i have my own thoughts and opinions, things
i think are worth sharing and things i think
are ridiculous. just like everybody else.

i’ve been frustrated and horrified:
people hoarding hand sanitizer and selling for
extortionate prices, grocery stores e m p t y and
people in need, someone trying to ram their car
through store doors – racism and discrimination –

darkness, selfishness, and so much self righteousness.
flaws of every s y s t e m and every h e a r t
disassembled and laid b a r e,

frustrated, horrified, but not surprised.
i’m a glass half empty kind of girl,

and the reason it made me so angry was because
it was like looking in a mirror – and in that
reflection i saw myself

it’s biological, anyway, when the
brain perceives a threat:
automatic & autonomic,
self preservation.

emphasis: s e l f .

my family called me. stores out
of stock and people getting violent,
not enough masks for the hospitals,
threat of financial hardship hanging
overhead (guillotine held by a thread)

we’re a little scared,

you know, it’s one thing for people to be
selfish, but now its affecting my family and
i just want to lose it on someone –

i glare at people buying 28 packages of
pasta, while wondering if i too should by more,
i wonder if my family has enough; the
old man stares at rows of empty shelves

i feel flippant and entitled towards
all of these social distancing measures,
because of how inconvenient it is for me

i’m irritated at myself everyone
for not taking things seriously enough,
for taking things too seriously,

why can’t anyone just do it RIGHT?

(what is right, anyway?)

the funny thing is, i’m not even worried so
much about the virus itself anymore; i’m
worried about what’s happening as a result,
and all the potential consequences –

the virus is supposed to be the scary thing here.
but i think we are a bigger threat to ourselves.

that in the face of crisis we will do more damage to
one another, than the virus ever c o u l d –

and i’m angry because i see in myself what
i see in everyone else and i don’t like it –
i’m angry at myself, everyone, and God,

i’m angry because i feel p o w e r l e s s –
and i’m angry because God could fix all of this
but i don’t think He will.

(i.e.: He will not fix it the way i want him to).

and it hits me like a train on the t r a c k s:
God’s goodness doesn’t depend on my
(or my loved ones, or anyone’s) happiness
or … well being.

well… great. super. fan-freaking-tastic.

the God of the mountains
is the same God in the v a l l e y

our landscapes shift and change,
but God does not.

i +(we) may be b R o K e n
but God is not.

it leaves a bitter taste on my tongue,
but my bones know it to be true.

//if we are thrown into the blazing furnace,
the God we serve is able to deliver us from it,
and He will deliver us from your majesty’s hand.
but even if he does not, we want you to know,
that we will not serve your gods – daniel 3:17-18

and maybe i’m not so mad about covid-19.
because there’s always going to be a covid-19.

i’m angry and frustrated because
i’m not the kind of person i want to be
(and people aren’t who i want them to be)
in the m i d s t of it.

and really, i’m not even so angry.
i’m just afraid. i think everyone is.

realizing these things, suddenly,
i’m not so mad anymore –

it isn’t you against me –
it’s all of us in this together
and everyone just doing the
best they know how.

fear is crippling and it has many friends:
anger, chaos, selfishness, violence, judging –

but i don’t want to be a victim to fear.
covid-19 isn’t another thing that brings
out the worst in us – it’s a c h a n c e
for us to choose differently.

and people are – it was just hard to see
from the lens of f e a r,  but turning to
God, things look different: there’s a lot
of kindness, self sacrificing, and courage

offers to help elderly and strangers, people
making masks for communities with no access,
those in health care working tirelessly, companies
giving pay while business is closed,

there are terrible things happening, people
suffering and – acting out of fear, thinking
the worst of people doesn’t help, it only hurts.

//we are not made in the spirit of fear, but of power,
love, and a sound mind. 2 timothy 1:7

come what may,
God is good.

i want to do better.
(i don’t know what that looks like)
but here’s my chance.

i thought i wanted to write about covid-19.
but i chose differently.