training wheels,

i’ve seen you move, you move the m o u n t a i n s, and i believe, i’ll see you do it a g a i n. – do it again, elevation worship

the thing about learning to ride a bike is you have to take the training wheels
off if you want to get anywhere.

i like training wheels. they’ve kept me safe: in my faith, in my relationships,
in my life. they help me keep my distance. with training wheels you can go
(but not too far), you can ride (but not too fast), you can change direction
(but you are never f r e e ) –

i learned a lot of things at training camp, but i keep going back to that hill.

that impossible hill. we had to hike 2.2 miles in 38 minutes with our 35 lb packs
and the course included going up a colossal, steep hill… twice. i was sick thinking
about it, it felt like a challenge i could not complete and about halfway through, going
up that hill for the second time, i was struggling. i became discouraged, frustrated, and
exhausted. i hit a low point and i wanted to give up – i slowed down, i decided i couldn’t
do it, i’d never make it, it didn’t matter –

and then,

one of my teammates came alongside me (shoutout to alli!) – she walked with me,
encouraged me, listened to me whine and complain. she let me set the pace and never
once left me, even when i told her to, even at the risk of not making it in time
herself. she pushed me to keep going, work harder, to finish the race.

and we did.
t o g e t h e r.

i think about that hill because this journey feels like an uphill battle and it
hasn’t even started yet. i think about that hill because i was using my training
wheels and i couldn’t keep up with God, with everyone, with what i needed to
accomplish. i think about that hill because when i look back i cannot say i would
have done what alli did for me for any of my teammates.

i want to serve others, but i have a lot to learn about what that looks like.

when you’re using your training wheels
you’re going at it alone.

i keep depending on my training wheels to keep going
but maybe they’re just holding me back.

i cling to what i know and it all ready feels like we’re giving up so much to take
this journey: our homes, our families, our jobs, our comforts. but i can’t do this
if i’m holding onto what w a s – i can’t do this if i’m not willing to change and
let go of the parts of myself that are hard to scrub away. i need to abandon myself,
my selfishness, my shame, my insecurity, my f e a r s. i need to open up my hands
and embrace the possibility that there’s a better way to live than confined by these
training wheels, that i need to give my all to people, relationships, community,
and to God.

because it’s in abandonment and leaving things behind
that s p a c e gets created.

God has not called us to a spirit of fear, but of love, power, and a sound mind (2
timothy 1:7). i still have a long way to go, the woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
but we have miles to go before we sleep,

i want to live in surrender and freedom – not subject to my fears and limitations.
God is active and alive in this world and i want to be apart of what He’s doing,
apart of a community that wants to change the world,apart of something so much
bigger than m y s e l f

so it’s time to take the training wheels off.
no more holding back.

training camp?
empowering. intense. hard. raw. exhausting. a p r o c e s s.

in a snapshot:

–       3 groups. 49 squadmates. 7 teammates. 1 training camp.

–       waking up between 0530 – 0700 and going to bed 2300 – 0000.

–       camping. tents. packing up everything and setting up again over &over

–       field scenarios, including: losing all your luggage, sleeping in an airport,
night watch prayer, packing everyone into “small living room space,” camping
out, bartering for food in an intense market area, community 24/7.

–       cold. bucket. showers. in. the. dark. praise God for baby wipes.

–       eating crickets, goat, duck eggs, chicken gizzards and drinking hose water.

–       spending each day learning about a different culture

–       lice outbreak and lice checks (safe, this time).

–       standing up for your s i s t e r, because you’re never alone.

–       lectures on: shame vs guilt, condemnation vs conviction, isolation vs solitude
forgiveness vs reconciliation

–       learning about identity, prayer, the voice of God, the Holy Spirit, handling
ministry and evangelism

–       facing my own darkness and being vulnerable about the things i am ashamed of,
my sin, my insecurities and the things i need to work on and change in myself.

–       w o r s h i p

thank you everyone for making this possible, between your support and the grace of
God, this is really happening. thank you so much.

please consider continuing to help support this journey through encouragement, prayer,
and financially, as we still have about $8,000 to go! $3,000 more by Nov 30.

and please consider subscribing to this blog so you can be notified when i update during
the journey and stay in tune with what’s going on and what you have helped make possible!

together & with God’s grace
we can do this.