worthy,

there’s this cat –
black & white,
scruffy & o l d
b l i n d

wandering around the apartment
when i first moved here.
always hissing at me.

i thought, i should help him.
i could make him a shelter or
feed him, or something.

but i didn’t.

the thing is, there’s so many
reasons not to –

you know, i’m allergic. pets aren’t allowed. maybe
my landlord won’t appreciate me encouraging stray
cats to stick around. and cat food, well, its expensive.
i don’t have the time, and hey, he’s survived on his own
this long so he’ll be fine

the thing is,
i could not stop thinking
about this cat –

and then, one day,
he started following me –
right up to the door and
waiting outside, meowing.

always following me –
…i started feeding the cat

(given the name scotty by my nephew –
no. no one knows why).

scotty waited at my door and then
f l e d from me, hissed at me, tried to claw me,
wouldn’t eat until i walked f a r away –

you know, my visa expires in november.
i turned down an offer to return to my old job.
i have applied to a myriad of places

over
&
over
&
over

this resume full of all these
jobs, accomplishments, degrees
that d e f i n e me

r e j e c t e d –
by definition

[re]ject: according to rugrats,
it means doomed to live in the basement
but the latin is: thrown b a c k

i’m supposed to be going forward

rejected for who i am and what i’m n o t –
i’m supposed to have a plan and
do something because if
i don’t then what
good am i?

what am i doing with my l i f e ?

scotty doesn’t hiss at me anymore.
he sits by me, paws at my hand if
i’m getting the food ready too slowly,
he eats and i pray for him,

//trust:
a study in consistency

i wonder what will happen to scotty
when i if i leave –

Lord – you put me on this path
and now there’s only
dead e n d s –

going so f a r just
to get nowhere

how is it all these things that define me
are w o r t h l e s s ?

to define literally means: to set b o u n d s to –
drawing all these imaginary lines that
somehow c o n f i n e

identity,
a crisis

and the thing is i never wanted to be in a box;
it’s stifling and small and so much less

//are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? and not one of them is forgotten before God. why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows. luke 12:6-7

three years ago someone asked me
who are you? what defines you?

i said: b i t t e r (n e s s)

and what if you weren’t bitter?
who would you be?

just jaclyn.
nothing.

if i define myself in my own definitions
or by the world’s standards of what
is worthy – then i will
always be boxed
i n

and i will never be enough.

standing here at this deadend,
somewhere between scotty and God

i’ve been reminded to remember
who God is; who i am to Him.

//your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you by His love; He will exult over you with loud singing – zephaniah 3:17

i seek security in definitions
in what i’m doing with my life
what’s my p l a n –

but that’s a faulty foundation.
that fails me every time.

He is enough; and i am many things,
but those things don’t define me
and they are not where
my worth comes
from

right now i can’t see the road ahead
so maybe i’ll walk through the fields
instead

hang out with scotty – he’s a cool cat,
maybe God put me here to provide
for him for the time being

and when i if i leave
God will provide for him still

God remembers scotty
& God remembers me

right now? i’m just a girl
feeding a cat,

here for a time such as this –

and it doesn’t define me
it does not make me
worth(less).

step out of the box
and b e out l o u d

what am i doing with my life?

my God,
i’m living it.