i am a violent person,

i’m a violent person,
a hurricane, inverted
calm on the outside
raging storm(s) within

lately i’ve been feeling so heavy,
and i think the poison is in the walls,

laden lead bound in peeling p a i n t:
toxic. that’s what it is. all the lead. why
i’m irritable and this headache won’t go away
e x h a u s t e d

lead inhaled, ingested, incorporated, heavy
on the red blood cells and w e i g h i n g down
until they break: hemolysis,

collecting in the dense metaphysical lines of b o n e,
wrist drop, foot drop, bodies drop and maybe
if i just opened a a window –

so last week i went to the beach,
i felt an urgency to look out on the waves
and seek out the salt of the earth.

because there’s lead in the walls and
violence is everywhere –

there’s so much hate and bitterness and conflict
and i think the world has come between us.

the thing is, it’s hard to even pray these days.
because my words are empty and my faith is
f r a g i l e – & i am less for it.

a spiritual d i s c o n n e c t
(can you hear me now?)

i found traces of God in the waters,
waves stacking higher before breaking on the shore
sand washed away in the foam.
pieces of bamboo caught in the lull
d r i f t w o o d

the waves crash turbulently, i try
to stand but am knocked down again & again

jacob wrestling God on
the shores of the jabbok r i v e r

but i don’t have much fight left.
(it’s the lead).
i ask God to search my heart,
it starts p o u r i n g rain.

but the next day i felt acutely aware
of something i had long become
sensitized to: my thoughts and the
their violent u n d e r t o n e s

exfoliated in an ocean salt scrub,
the poison isn’t in the walls,
there is no lead coating my bones
the poison is in m e ;

you don’t know how many mean,
hateful, judgemental, bitter thoughts you have
towards others, towards the world, towards yourself
until you’re convicted to stop and pray e v e r y
time you have one

let me tell you,
i am spending a lot
more of my days praying.

just little b a r b s all the time,
small, but they add up, unkindness and negativity
clouding my vision and hardening my heart.
so easy to focus on the violence everywhere else
– but blind to the violence i
carry within me.

it’s. so. heavy.

&i won’t make it if i keep
d r a g g i n g it around. i’m praying
for peace with w e a p o n s in my
hands

last year i wrote about the world
being a violent place, and trying to
reconcile my place and God within it

this year i am being asked to acknowledge
and reconcile my own contribution(s) to violence,
if it is d a r k on the inside, that’s all i’ll ever see around me

i don’t want to be a violent person,
i don’t want to spread p o i s o n
i don’t want to be weighed down.

i thought the answer was escaping these walls
and demanding God give me an antidote to poison of my
own making; the one i pick up and drink everyday

but instead it came in the
form of conviction.

(stop brewing & drinking
the poison).

//and we take captive every thought to
make it obedient to Christ
– 2 corinthians 10:5

i hope that by noticing the negative and unkind
thoughts and praying to see with God’s eyes and His heart then maybe instead of reaching out with weapons in hand it will be with open arms instead.

…another lesson in learning how to love
(its what the world needs now).