dream again,

as some of you may know from an earlier blog, (what’s next?)
i applied for the rotary peace fellowship while on the world race;

(and that was a crazy story -)

i’ve been hesitant to announce, but a friend
reminded me, this story isn’t mine
it’s God’s: and it is all a testament to Him

and so i want to share with everyone
that i have been selected to receive the rotary peace fellowship,
contingent on acceptance to the university in tokyo.

if accepted to the university,
i would leave next fall to complete a fully funded
master’s program in peace studies and international
conflict resolution, over the course of two years, in japan.

i was selected against all odds: finding out about
the application two days before it was due
while in bulgaria during a chance encounter,
getting everything together in two days for
the application, writing five essays during a layover
in istanbul with the help of friends, submitting
the application on a friend’s hotspot five minutes
before boarding a plane to africa,
skype interviews in ethiopian thunderstorms
and going up against over 700 professionals from
around the world –

God had His hand in every. single. step.
i did not receive this on my own –

He told me He would open doors,
and i told Him He’d have to part the s e a
and … He did.

i am still absolutely in s h o c k,
s p e e c h l e s s

they say, be careful what you wish for
(it just might come true)

the thing is,
in month four of the race
january of this year, in cambodia
i surrendered my dreams for my future to God

& i started the race saying id’ rather surrender
my LIFE than my d r e a m s,

i’ve always been a dreamer: daytrippin over the possibilities
my hopes & dreams always gave me just enough light
in all the darkness, to keep going

10mg hopes & dreams / 1.5mg tears / 15mg realistic idealism / 0.5mg stardust

all these dreams, they were mine
and i didn’t trust God with them
i let f e a r keep me from chasing them
&i never thought they could come true

…in cambodia, something finally resonated with me:
My sheep hear My voice, God said,
and i hear His voice.

there was a speaker there – i believe he had good intentions,
but something about him made me a little uneasy

i had been praying a lot that month
for direction regarding my future
what to do, how to prepare, how to come b a c k,

and all i heard from God was: w a i t.

during the speaker’s lecture,
he spoke about dreams and futures,
he invited anyone who wanted prayer for these things
to come up and be prayed over by someone on the team

i leapt up – i wanted prayer for these things; what
if someone did get a word from God about my future?

but what i heard, just a whisper:
w a i t

and i? ignored it. ignored God.
i went up for prayer.

and i received a beautiful prayer from a woman
i trusted more than the speaker… that contained
nothing in regards to my future.

i left that night feeling sick –
hadn’t i just realized – i hear God’s voice
and at the first chance, instead of listening to Him
i went searching anywhere & everywhere else

so that night i surrendered my dreams.
my dreams for myself, for my future, for everything.
i gave it all to God – i let go.

i think about that now, because i think that
was the first step towards this fellowship –
and i don’t know if i’d be here without doing that.

i am always d r e a m i n g –
but now i’m not flailing around
trying to figure things out on my own
and believing they’ll never happen –

and two dreams i’ve harbored for years:
live in japan, explore working in the peace field
i just … didn’t trust they would happen

the thing is, i never thought my dreams
for my life, would be God’s – like somehow –
He would want the exact opposite of what i wanted for myself

…for everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds;
and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.
what father among you, if his son asks for a fish,
will give him a snake instead? //luke 11:10-11

God knows the desires of my heart
and i want to chase after His –

and … apart from God,
my dreams would have come true, not like this,
not in this perfectly orchestrated way…

&it won’t be absolutely certain until the application
is approved by the university but – even so –

being selected is a testament to God.
i don’t want to hide the incredible things
God is doing in my life

&i am … overwhelmed, terrified, anxious, excited, grateful
and without a doubt: freaking o u t –

and what i’ve found is i’m still d r e a m i n g,
i didn’t have to surrender my dreams,
God wants me to dream,
He just wants me to dream with Him.

and those dreams, are bigger than m e
and better than i could ever imagine.

then king david said to the whole assembly:
“my son solomon, the one whom God has chosen,
is young and inexperienced. the task is great,
because this palatial structure is not for man
but for the Lord God //1 chronicles 29:1

so here’s to chasing after the next dream,
all those dreams that have faded
(never forget them) – [ffx]
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