a study in grace,
at the beginning of the race, we were
each given a key with a word on it –
a word that people had prayed for and felt
God gave them for us.
the word on my key?
g r a c e.
g r a c e [verb] //
unmerited favor of God
the idea behind the keys
is to pray and figure out with God
what He wants to say / teach you
through the word
and then?
you give it away.
when i first got the key, it felt
obvious: jesus on the cross, have grace on myself
and then have more grace for others.
so for a lot of the race
i didn’t think about it often.
sometimes i wore the necklace
to church, most of the time it stayed
inside my backpack.
tucked
a w a y.
but then, i started feeling
the need to lend it to people.
going into thailand when
wendy became a team leader –
she kept it for the month.
leaving thailand and going into serbia
when cristina struggled with some things –
she kept it for the month.
a reminder not only to have grace on herself,
but ironic in that month i needed my team
to extend grace back to me.
then, i had the key back.
until this last month
when i felt led to lend the key to alli.
i never had one breakthrough moment
with the key – (though when i think about
it – i see how much i have learned and how
far i have to go) –
because i don’t think grace is meant to
be understood, it’s meant to be e x p e r i e n c e d –
i believe in God –
it isn’t a question with the answer all around us,
an intricacy woven into the world and our
skeleton b o n e s
air composed of 21% oxygen
and earth 149,600,000km from the sun
and we breathe carbon dioxide
and plants breathe oxygen
6CO2 6H20 ( l i g –> h t ) C6H12O6 + 6O2
but we are not bound by sugar,
we are bound by b l o o d
T E T E L E S T A I
(it is finished)
the debt paid in full
held together by nails
piercing hands on the cross and
hanging by the weight of our own breath
between
two
lungs
collapsed between the cage of our ribs
a s p h y i x i a t i o n
(please just fix me)
s u f f o c a t i o n
red will wash you white as snow
(nothing but the blood of Jesus)
and from the grave He rose again
roll
away
the stone
but still in the tomb, we are still in the tomb,
with that spade in our hands trying to fill in the holes
aching & empty
inside
dirt under our fingernails
& all we ever learned from love
how to shoot someone who outdrew us
S p L i T t I n G
frost laced hearts with numb hands & dull axes
and feeling that heartache for something more
look at red hands and know
that we are not at ease in this world –
look to the Heavens and seek a
R E S U R R E C T I O N
Jesus died on the cross for God so loved the
world that He gave His one and only son that
whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have
eternal life –
John 3:16
(but He wept for you + me )
picking at our scabs until we b l e e d and
once we’ve torn ourselves apart we look to fill
in the pieces with parts of other people –
tear you down
and
build me up
and with tears falling to floorboards, tied to the
kitchen chair, broken crown (cut your hair)
in these moments i believe in God
the cold & the broken
h a l l e l u j a h
on our lips with the bitter taste
of uncertainty & anger
f a l l ,
to your knees and scream and rage and shake
fists clenched cursing God because
how can these things happen?
and in that question we find no answer
bow your head to something greater and call on His name
submit to mercy & grace and seek solace in prayer
without ceasing -1 thessalonians 5:17
this whole year God has been showing
me parts of Himself: who He really is
before the race i only knew Him
as distant, cold, and angry
(at me)
and i, just a sinner saved by grace
believing in God only because of my fear
of going to h e l l –
but this year, i have experienced who God
really is: He is not angry – He is faithful,
gentle, patient & kind – and grace –
we can’t earn it & we can never
be good enough – the definition of grace
in & of itself means that through this lens
God sees us as people worth saving,
people worth loving –
we aren’t just sinners saved by grace
but by grace we are daughters & sons of the King
i still don’t always know how to see it that way,
i’m still learning the characteristics of who God is,
but understanding this a little more
changes everything
//I led them with cords of human kindness, ties of love –
hosea 11:4
i think maybe i always knew –
but in the last three months
it became apparent to me who
to give my key away to –
it’s had an interesting journey,
between myself & others
so here, at the very end,
i gave it away to my kindred spirit,
to the girl i’ve spent 11 months with:
tori.
because that’s the thing about grace
it is meant to be s h a r e d,
given away freely,
(as it has been bestowed upon us).